"I'm so glad we're in a hetero-normative, monogamous relationship with a 50% chance of abysmal failure."

 

"Come on, stand up straight. You don't want to look like a jerk, do you?!"

 

"They're dark so I can stare at ladies without my wife noticing."

 

"I can't wait until fall so I can wear sweapants with these Uggs."

 

"This hybrid is so much better than my old mountain bike, even though it doesn't have shocks."

 

"I wish Sarah would return season 1 of the Gilmore Girls already."

 

"Okay Timmy, I know you're going through this 'vegetarian' phase, so we'll grill some fish for you later."

 

"Oh shit; Tina says the sale's at the OTHER mall."

"Nice Powerpoint, Jane, but maybe you could use Papryus for the titles, and Comic Sans for the humorous parts."

 

"Isn't 'feministing' a kinky sex move or something?"