"I am going to objectify the shit out of some women later tonight."

"She thinks that there might be some people in life who legitimately don't want the lifestyle and home we have. I personally think she's had too much wine!"

"We're so glad the petroleum used to make our synthetic bathing suits is flooding someone else's beach!"

"Get used to this. You're getting baptized next week and I don't want you crying and embarrassing us in front of the whole parish and family."

"Thanks for saying it's so realistic, but I think I'm going to start taking more adult ed classes in stained glass."

"Next class we are learning to write passive aggressive notes so that your generation will have something to blog about later in life."

"Hey everyone! I've definitely never heard of a 'bear bag' before so tonight we're getting mauled!"

"What we're doing right now totally fucking matters."

"Cancer only happens to other people. That's why I did that 5k charity walk last month."

"Hey everyone, maybe it's the wine talking, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we're intoxicated within socially acceptable limits."

"I'm so glad this is only about being in physical shape and not appropriating The Other's culture. That stopped being trendy years ago."

"I cannot wait to be in better shape at age 45 than I was at age 25."

"Our company's free gym membership keeps me forgetting that I earn 70% less than men in my same position with similar qualifications!"

"I'm just here because I wouldn't know how to socialize if everyone wasn't belligerently drunk. Will you marry me?"

"Isn't it great that she can play sports and still be feminine? It's a good way to stay fit to impress the boys!"

"Without consumable goods I don't know how my memories would retain meaning."

"There's nothing like waking up early in the morning and making nature die for your enjoyment."

"My purchasing of these and other branded commodities validates a degree of metaphorical ownership over my team of choice in both victory or defeat; this support also allows for an illusion of influence over their performance; which directly and dramatically influences both my pride and my mood. GO TEAM!"

"Sigh. Why can't my baby carriage have wifi?"

"Our GPA excuses our alcoholism!"

"This is my favorite cafe. It's always the same no matter what town I go to!"

"This was such a good Christmas card idea. I should send it to Hallmark."

 

"I'm so glad we're in a hetero-normative, monogamous relationship with a 50% chance of abysmal failure."

 

"Come on, stand up straight. You don't want to look like a jerk, do you?!"

 

"They're dark so I can stare at ladies without my wife noticing."

 

"I can't wait until fall so I can wear sweapants with these Uggs."

 

"This hybrid is so much better than my old mountain bike, even though it doesn't have shocks."

 

"I wish Sarah would return season 1 of the Gilmore Girls already."

 

"Okay Timmy, I know you're going through this 'vegetarian' phase, so we'll grill some fish for you later."

 

"Oh shit; Tina says the sale's at the OTHER mall."

"Nice Powerpoint, Jane, but maybe you could use Papryus for the titles, and Comic Sans for the humorous parts."

 

"Isn't 'feministing' a kinky sex move or something?"