"My New Year's resolution is to identify problems in my life and hope they fix themselves."

"I am going to objectify the shit out of some women later tonight."

"She thinks that there might be some people in life who legitimately don't want the lifestyle and home we have. I personally think she's had too much wine!"

"We're so glad the petroleum used to make our synthetic bathing suits is flooding someone else's beach!"

"Get used to this. You're getting baptized next week and I don't want you crying and embarrassing us in front of the whole parish and family."

"Thanks for saying it's so realistic, but I think I'm going to start taking more adult ed classes in stained glass."

"Next class we are learning to write passive aggressive notes so that your generation will have something to blog about later in life."